50. Lets set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow wasnt that just like lame movie Reality Bites? Youve never seen it? Its awesome in a totally stupid way. 
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Q: What do rocks and boobs have in common?
A: If they're flat, you can skip them.
 

Q: What did the pollock say when he ran into the bar with a piece of shit in his hand?
A: Luck must be on my side tonight, look at what I almost stepped in.
 

Q: Why was Tigger sticking his head in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh!

Q: What does the blonde say to the doctor when she finds out she's pregnant?
A: Is it mine?

>  > Subject: 25 THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
> > >
> > >
> > > 1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap the on
> > > the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
> > >
> > > 2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go
> > > back for more.
> > >
> > > 3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push
> > >
> > > the wrong ones.
> > >
> > > 4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your mobile phone and ask if they
> > > know what floor you're on.
> > >
> > > 5. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After
> > > a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Sam. How's your day been?"
> > >
> > > 6. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up,
> > > then scream, "That's mine!"
> > >
> > > 7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
> > >
> > > 8. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets
> > > on,ask if they have and appointment.
> > >
> > > 9. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
> > >
> > > 10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if
> > > they hear something ticking.
> > >
> > > 11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
> > > procedures and exits with the passengers.
> > >
> > > 12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
> > >
> > > 13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
> > >
> > > 14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't
> > > panic, they open up again."
> > >
> > > 15. Swat at flies that don't exist.
> > >
> > > 16. Tell people that you can see their aura.
> > >
> > > 17. Call out, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
> > >
> > > 18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
> > > "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
> > >
> > > 19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
> > > inside,ask, "Got enough air in there?"
> > >
> > > 20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
> > > without getting off.
> > >
> > > 21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
> > > "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
> > >
> > > 22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
> > > passengers.
> > >
> > > 23. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
> > >
> > > 24. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
> > > announce, "I have new socks on."
> > >
> > > 25. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
> > > other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

69 Things to do in Wal-Mart

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. * Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. * Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. * Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in. * Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!'' * Try on bras over top of your clothes. * Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms. * While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy'' * Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens. * Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.'' * Play with the automatic doors. * Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. * While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this shit, anyway?'' * Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. * Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually. * Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. *. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. * As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!'' * Put M&M's on layaway. * Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas. * Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. * Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. * Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. * Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!" * TP as much of the store as possible. * Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. * Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134) * When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?" * When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!'' * Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. * Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. * Take bets on the battle described above. * Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...) * While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. * While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms. * Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.' * Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. * Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. * Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them. * Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store. * Two words: ''Marco Polo.' * Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. * ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics. * In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels. * Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them. * While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions. * When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!'' * Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. * Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. * Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie." * Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles. * When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. * Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. * Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. * Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles. * In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' * Hold indoor shopping cart races. * Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. * When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. * Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. * Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?'' * Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?'' * Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.'' * Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. * Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention. 50 Things to Do in a Mall 1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King... 9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.' 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?' 13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. 14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. 15. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 18. Sprint up the down escalator. 19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'. 20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone. 23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane. 27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France...' 30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 31. Play the tuba for change. 32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'. 33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'. 35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'. 36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!' 41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'. 42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. 45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. 46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.' 47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.' 50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet. Ten Things to Do in a Public Bathroom 1.Come out of the stall with wet hands. 2.Pour water in a constant stream on the floor and say, 'Darn, I almost made it!' 3.Wash you hair and dry it in the hand dryer. 4.Wear papertowels wrapped around your head and pretend you're Erykah Badu. 5.Write on the wall of a women's bathroom 'Tom was here.' In the men's bathroom write 'Michael Jackson was here.' 6.Ask a person in the stall next to you for a tampon. 7.Roll a roll of toilet paper all the way down the row of stalls. 8.For women, stand in front of the toilet. 9.Scream 'Ohh it burns!' as you use the bathroom. 10.Lock the door from the inside, sound frustrated that you can't get out, then crawl under the door, getting as dirty as possible and complain to the manager that the door is faulty.

hahahahaha ill add more later....